Glide

"You have no choice on the matter Mama. I made the dinner ressie for us", was my daughter's text to me last Saturday evening.

Raising my four children as a single Mom, after yet another failed marriage since their Dad and I divorced, has been quite a burden to bear. It's not so much the financial hardship that was the case but rather the unrelenting, festering remorse that came with breaking those hearts combined with  ... well, the perfectionistic inner voice of a self proclaimed .. what? What the heck. Now that I'm writing this I see how insanely spun out I've been over this issue through the years. I should have been born a cartoon. I would have gotten away with it. I had so much angst and confusion and was driven by all kinds of fear, wondering what was yet to come.

In the cusp of being single again and transitioning from my divorce six years ago, I sat on park benches, in my car, on my bed and prayed desperately. I prayed hard for solace and answers. I had no idea how our lives would turn out and absolutely needed to know. Why in the world did I have to know? In that life I wanted answers all the time. Today, I am almost sure this was the flaw that often misled me. Rainier Maria Rilke wrote, "Live the questions." Hmmm. Try to wiggle yourself out of that one and see if you can convince me that you're not a control freak of sorts.

Life is the best teacher but it doesn't hand out quick results. What it does is bring us to a final breaking point and then offers us a ride. We may resist but we will have no choice. It will take us. If the road is bumpy it's because of our refusal to glide.

In the beginning, I was convinced I was victimized. I over dramatized my situation and studded it with blame and a refusal to see my part. Finally, when I got tired and came to, I began to own up by breaking things down to bite size pieces. Little by little, I learned to clean up my side of the street. Strangely, I also found it in me to be grateful because finally my path was clear and I could see where I stood. I knew exactly where I was. I embraced the new found ability to clean house, became amazed by my surroundings, be present for my children in conversations and daily relational circumstances. I could sit with myself and enjoy the scenery, my coffee, a good book, the sun. I developed a strong sense of trust in that divinely designed route created just for me. Moreover, I learned to accept the reality that the same was true for each of my kids. I had done my best with what I had on my plate and learned to give myself grace for it. After all, not once was I ever short on love for any of them. Not once did I ever give up the fight for them. It's just life, it's curve balls and the best that a young mother could to do at the time. Then and only then did I realize that my new life had taken off and I was,  at last,  gliding.

Let me tell you one thing: If we are not obsessed with results, our best shot is honored. It's always enough. And this comes from a place inside of us that says, "I am enough." What a lovely surprise it will be when it unfolds in it's time.

"Order what you want and don't be cheap cause I'm treating", giggled my 21 year old angel as we sat down to dinner in Benihana. 

"Happy Father's Day Mama."

At that point it was a matter of eating everything in sight or falling apart in public. I figured I was finally entitled to the more pleasurable aspects of life.

Not baaaaaaad.

                                       

"...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything  unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms  or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers,  which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them.  And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future,  you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."                                                                                                                        Ranier Marie Rilke