Four

I can honestly say that at this time I am in a very good place in life. I am not talking about financial prosperity. What I mean is emotional wellness and a level of serenity that is based on a deep connection with God. My trials continue to prove themselves to be temporary yet true to their promise of growth and wisdom. I have such calmness about me today. So far, nothing has taken away my peace of mind.

But, this does not mean that I am finally spared from the proclivities of my heart.

Sigh.

Today I am walking towards a place where I hope to be able to share a part of me even for just a while. Yet the circumstances around it do not seem to be a fit for where I need to be as a woman who has walked this far for the last six years. In that time of grief and healing, I promised myself never to be in a situation where my heart would even be slightly be confused. I keep reminding myself that the next time around, if it's a "go" - - it should be easy and that's when I'll know.

Tsk.

I do feel a longing for this to happen because there's so much about it that's easy, a great fit, loving and fun. Yet some of the same bumps from the last enmeshment are showing up today and the bottom line in the distance seems to be exactly where I swore never to find myself again. The thing is, as of today, I really don't know what the end result is. I can be hopeful but I choose to be realistic. So how do I know if what I am hoping for is the best for me? And what is this "realistic" approach anyway?

This is fear.

Thank God for a tool kit equipped with new values and a few solid loving friends who practice love and suffer through restraint of judgement. My path belongs to me alone and in it I can be creative and courageous for as long as I remain true.

I am thrown off with quizzicalness but thankful that I still remain very much in my body and in my full life today. No more am I lost in another as I used to be, which is a milestone to celebrate, as I walk down this road possibly made of four letters.

Aha.

And indeed, if the four letters casts out fear, then that's how we'll both know if it's for real.