Slow

These days I have been testing the waters of the dating scene again. I have been abstinent from relationships since 2010 when I decided to immerse myself in a journey of hard inventory taking. I learned to work through my fears and resentments - the ones that drove me to think, act and hide the way I did when things got real. I linked arms with other women and developed a tush-saving-sisterhood that no man could ever beat. I discovered my voice and learned to speak out my truths and my wants. I am learning to ask, connect and practice courage by reaching out instead of pulling in. I have come to realize that I do this with ease and clarity today. And I do it well ..... with women.

My relationships with men were always driven by mad passion which I mistook for love. The next thing I knew, I was depressed, divorced or both. Today, I understand that love is not just a feeling but rather a decision on which a commitment is anchored. Lust however is pure feeling. It's a drug that takes us out fast while we lose ourselves in that carnal whirlwind for two. When that gets old and we are exhausted we pull away. Then we realize that we never knew our partner and that there's nothing left to share. My experience has been to freak out and run in the opposite direction as fast as possible. Up to two years ago, my relationships were like this: fueled by full steam drama and then escape.

Today, I am taking it slow with someone who may or may not walk forward with me. The pieces are fitting themselves slowly, little by little, but in meaningful ways. I was apprehensive when we first met in March because his approach was direct and unfamiliar. Now I realize his style is simply straightforward. Unlike others, this is a man who seems to have a steady presence and could potentially be emotionally available. Who knows. I'm not sure I know how to handle this. I've never engaged this type before. But when an opportunity came for us to exchange emails a few weeks ago he said, "I would like to try again." This time his clarity of want resonated and I began to consider that I might finally be drawn to a better breed. So I walked through that open door.

Since then we've dated a couple of times, text and call each other consistently. We've expressed a mutual need to take it slow even if I don't know what that means or how it's done, despite the incredible heat brewing between us. We share a journey of truth based on mutual spiritual beliefs and a desire to keep life simple. I like it and I am thankful for it.

But I don't know how to do this. I'm afraid and I'm not sure if I should walk forward. In fact, I don't even know if I'm walking properly because I sometimes feel glued to the ground too busy taming old voices.

I know however that if I listen to the fresh new voice of the woman that I am today who is honest, clear and true,  I will be OK. I just have to learn to go slow and enjoy the process of getting to know someone without being fixated on the outcome. That part is God's business.

But still. I am wary because I'm unravelling at this pace and I'm feeling quite exposed.

Now I'm lingering on the question, "Am I ready to be seen?"